I still don’t feel like I’m in my twenties at all and that I need to be back at home with my mummy and daddy and a 10pm curfew and pocket money but sadly there’s a certain few things that can’t be ignored.
Growing up, I thought that by my mid twenties I’d be a fully settled, career driven mum with a husband and a mortgage rather than eating peanut butter out the jar on a Wednesday evening in my Ninja Turtles pajamas.
How did I get here? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I’m twenty-fucking-four.
My friends are settling down and getting married, starting their lives and having children and I feel this unhealthy jealousy for those who have someone stable to take care of them. Boo hoo.
You get excited about a new hoover/iron/washing machine
You’d rather wrap up in a blanket and watch Netflix that go out in the cold and socialise
You start to feel out of touch with music and celebrities and red-top gossip
Everybody around you starts getting married and having kids while you’re living your Bridget-Jones-esque lifestyle
You buy house plants on a weekly basis and treat them like your babies, constantly searching for care tips on Google
You find yourself genuinely angry at junk mail, charity muggers and Jehovah’s witnesses
Everything you own is suddenly insured and your list of direct debits is longer than your list of friends
You learn things like putting up shelves, changing fuses and facing your fear of climbing up a ladder
Hangovers last three days and you feel like you’re literally about to die
You start to panic that your life isn’t on track at all and maybe you should just give up and go back to university
Your taste food has become far more sophisticated than McDonalds and Pizza Hut and you finally understand why paying £20 for a steak is worth it
You become afraid of fashion trends and feel like you’d look a complete idiot in half of it
You wear lipstick religiously and no longer feel ridiculous in doing so
You get stoked for shows like 60 Minute Makeover, Home Improvements and Grand Designs
You make health conscious decisions on what you put into your body, most days anyway, even if it is just choosing one sausage roll over two
You get really into politics and argue endlessly with right-wing peers that Jeremy Corbyn is a godsend
You find yourself genuinely upset about how bad your periods are just in case your womb actually falls out
You ache in places for no reason and you will never know why. Old age eh
Your memory starts to fail you on a daily basis, an abundance of notepads tends to help
You’re 100% in tune with your own body and can calculate the start of your period to a precise hour of the day
You realise you’re basically past your peak
You care less and less about what strangers think of you and don’t mind going to Aldi in your pyjamas
You start to reflect back on your teen years longing to be back in a time where you didn’t have to work and your parents bailed you out
You care about consequences to your actions therefore don’t do half the stupid shit you’d like to
You dream about winning the lottery every day but never enter it