1. When you’re dealing with a total asswipe and the call genuinely cuts out and you feel the utmost joy that you don’t have to speak to them any more
2. Just as the conversation with your colleague gets real juicy, a customer just has to call in right?
3. When the customer has a hilarious email like sexybabe69 or bigpimping007 it must be highlighted and pointed at so your colleagues can all have a good giggle while you’re chatting away to that sexy babe and big pimp
4. Transferring a customer through to another department and wishing your colleague the best of luck with the sassy person with no DPA authority
5. Reading out a three page legal document before Mr Smith asks if he can pay using his mates card who isn’t there with him. Face palm.
6. Customers from Ireland talking about their home town of Cork and sounding like they’re saying cock
7. Customers who’s surnames are Cock, Cocks or Cox
8. When you log your phone in and are blessed with the sweet sound of silence because the queue is empty. Savour those sweet moments.
9. Being threatened with a law suit or a complaint to the ombudsman over something that is completely standard procedure or totally the customer’s fault.
10. When you’re actually giving somebody fantastic customer service but they won’t shut up and listen to you for one second.
11. When all your calls merge into one and you end up calling someone Keith when their name is actually John
12. Confirming a postcode/reference/reg number back to a customer what feels like 473 times before they finally admit that B for Bravo was in fact a D for Delta. Swear down.
13. Having the stealth and skills to eat an entire Mars bar while on a call and hoping they didn’t hear your hamster cheeks full of chocolate while you read out their terms and conditions.
14. There’s always one customer who has no reference number or any details but expects you to somehow find their account with your magical powers of deduction.
15. Spending 45 minutes convincing somebody to buy your best product and then almost crying when you go to take payment and they’ve not even got any money in their bank.
16. When a customer asks you to ask your manager for discount when you’ve already told them there isn’t any available. ‘Okay hold on sir let me just go get laughed at.’
17. Walking away from your desk with your headset still on and instantly regretting it as it pulls you back.
18. Your manager calls a meeting; HALLELUJAH time off the phone!
19. When the system is running slow and the customer makes awkward chat about what the weather’s like where you are.
20. When somebody calls in one minute before the end of your shift with the most complicated situation and you end up staying 30 minutes after the end of your shift. HELL NO.
21. Having to explain to an elderly customer repeatedly how to use the website and trying not to laugh as they panic when minimising the browser window.
22. When somebody reads you their card or reference number at the slowest possible speed and you end up saying yes after every single digit. Like I don’t take these every day at a faster speed, give me four digits at once damn it!
23. Shoving half a sandwich in your mouth before a call comes through and trying to frantically chew it all before the customer realises it’s been silent for 8 seconds.