h e y g u y s
Hope you’re all stoked for this nice long weekend! To make up for my short comings last week I’ve got three whole posts going live for you over the bank holiday; one today, one tomorrow AND one on Monday… what a treat you’re all in for!
Bi-polar is a term thrown around for people who are kinda up and down in their mood but in actuality it’s a debilitating mental disorder that changes your life forever. It is not something you recover from but rather something you are continually struggling with. It doesn’t go away but it does settle down. I have been on and off medication for almost a decade and I can tell you, it might get easier but it never ever goes away. So it’s just something you come to accept.
Previously known as ‘Manic Depression’, the disorder causes periods of extreme happiness or hypomania followed by periods of agonising depression. It ain’t exactly glam.
In fact it means constantly explaining to people why you have to cancel plans, why you are so emotional all the time and why you can’t take things lightly. It means getting stressed and thrown into a bout of depression over something that other people would consider quite trivial.
It gets tiring being this emotional all the time. It doesn’t make me weak but it means I have to fight a battle every day to either control my emotions or continue with my day-to-day life.
I actually prefer the old term for it ‘manic depression’ because ultimately it sums up the disorder perfectly. It is manic. It is like a rollercoaster and ultimately as much as it can be glamourised or trivialised, it is a form of depression.
I was diagnosed when I was 16 years old with bi polar disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. I wasn’t really given much information about it at the time and I rarely bother seeing my doctor aside from for prescriptions but since the anxiety died down last September, I convinced myself I was okay.
But I’m not.
Because every now and again it hits like a brick wall. It hit me this weekend after a wicked and random night out in town when I was hanging out my arse the next day in bed. It hits every time I have a bad day at work. It hits when I’m feeling a little low in self confidence. It even hits for no reason at all.
There are days when I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore, all the emotion, it becomes too much and I just feel so overwhelmed that I almost become numb to caring about anything. In those moments I am ready to end my life.
Yet three days later I’m beyond ecstatic… but this is bi polar and I’m done pretending it’s all okay.
I’m ready to accept my disorder for what it is; a constant battle. I’ve wasted years forgetting to follow up doctors appointments, missing counseling sessions and being to afraid to ask for help. It is time I get the ongoing help that I should have given myself years ago.
If anyone can point me in the right direction then by all means, leave a comment.
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all photos by Rebecca Claire, libfemblog.com (Sony Xperia X, edited with VSCO) // all rights reserved