I’ve been thinking a lot about writing a post on this subject. I was concerned that there were people who would judge what I’m about to say or that people I work with might read it. But you know what, my blog doesn’t represent the company I work for (in fact, their name isn’t mentioned anywhere) and it’s something that’s a big part of my life so here the fuck goes…
I am a habitual smoker. [edit: I was] I smoke[d] weed, ganja, sweet mary jane, whatever you want to call it.
I have smoked the stuff since I was 15 and I’ve never really stopped. I smoke[d] every single day. For a very very long time I thought there was nothing wrong with that.
In fact, there’s little wrong with smoking weed at all. It relaxes you, is great for a lot of medical conditions, cures pain and for me personally, it makes me forget about all the stress/frustration/anger/upset caused by having bi polar. And I tell you what, I bloody love smoking it. I love drinking too but fuck me, imagine how good drinking would be if you didn’t get a hangover and now you’re halfway to imagining how fun smoking weed is.
It makes you creative and it gets you thinking really deeply about things you otherwise wouldn’t. I came up with my best writing ideas when I was baked. I have friends who say they’re bored in the evenings after work, they’ve got nothing to do, but as a smoker I never ever ever got bored once. Weed entertains your mind like nothing else… but when it becomes habitual it has a lot of side effects that aren’t actually too great. These include; laziness, social anxiety, chest infections, and not to mention… the money!
Earlier this year I had the epiphany that actually, what I was doing wasn’t quite normal. I was coming home from work and smoking a lot, often on my own. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was doing, it was just what I did and what I’ve done for years. I was wasting at least £50 per week if not more on this habit that actually wasn’t a great deal of fun anymore, it was just the norm for me.
I began to wonder what would happen if after all these years, if I quit.
I started by cutting down and then I quit altogether. Now you may or may not know that physically, marijuana is not addictive. It is however mentally addictive and your body reacts badly to suddenly having low levels of THC (the drug itself) after years of consistently high THC levels. So when I quit I had trouble sleeping, I lost my appetite and dropped half a stone in weight, I found it difficult to get into the same creative focus I would always have in the evenings.
When I had a bit of money again and a good deal on some homegrown, I ended up caving and buying an ounce. Which for you non-smokers is usually around £200-250 and is enough to fill a large Yankee Candle jar (see at least I can put it into your terms!) but I only paid £160 for it. I split it with a friend so I wasn’t spending quite so much and in less than a fortnight it was gone again.
And so I began to think about it some more. I thought about why I was smoking so much in the first place. I realised that I just didn’t have any self control. As I said, there is quite literally nothing wrong with smoking weed as long as it doesn’t become habitual and I let it be habitual. I want to stop spending so much on it. I want to stop relying on it to keep me entertained and creative. I want to stop because I want to grow more as a person and I don’t think I can fully do that with a bad habit.
So right now, whilst I am writing this (which is April 27th FYI) I am back into the phase of sleepless nights and having no appetite and just generally trying to work out what to do with all my new found free time. I am also at a crossroads with this whole thing and just my life in general. I am really finding myself and redefining myself and just learning to be truly me.
[edit/ 12.05.2017] Late one night this week I had *yet another* epiphany about the differences between me as a (habitual) smoker and me without weed… I am almost a different person. I am much more often me on a good day. I am more concious, aware, more intentional. I am a more confident and unapologetically myself these days. I used to avoid events and social occasions because I was too shy and found myself wanting to go home and be alone more often than not. These days I’ve become a little bit of a social butterfly and I’m actively trying to do more new and exciting things.
Now I don’t know a single person in the blogging community to have ever even mentioned cannabis before so I’m curious to see if there are any other bloggers out there with a similar experience to me. Please leave a comment if you have!
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all photos by Rebecca Claire, libfemblog.com (Sony Xperia X, edited with VSCO) // all rights reserved