I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE…

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing a post on this subject. I was concerned that there were people who would judge what I’m about to say or that people I work with might read it. But you know what, my blog doesn’t represent the company I work for (in fact, their name isn’t mentioned anywhere) and it’s something that’s a big part of my life so here the fuck goes…

I am a habitual smoker. [edit: I was] I smoke[d] weed, ganja, sweet mary jane, whatever you want to call it.

I have smoked the stuff since I was 15 and I’ve never really stopped. I smoke[d] every single day. For a very very long time I thought there was nothing wrong with that.

In fact, there’s little wrong with smoking weed at all. It relaxes you, is great for a lot of medical conditions, cures pain and for me personally, it makes me forget about all the stress/frustration/anger/upset caused by having bi polar. And I tell you what, I bloody love smoking it. I love drinking too but fuck me, imagine how good drinking would be if you didn’t get a hangover and now you’re halfway to imagining how fun smoking weed is.

It makes you creative and it gets you thinking really deeply about things you otherwise wouldn’t. I came up with my best writing ideas when I was baked. I have friends who say they’re bored in the evenings after work, they’ve got nothing to do, but as a smoker I never ever ever got bored once. Weed entertains your mind like nothing else… but when it becomes habitual it has a lot of side effects that aren’t actually too great. These include; laziness, social anxiety, chest infections, and not to mention… the money!

Earlier this year I had the epiphany that actually, what I was doing wasn’t quite normal. I was coming home from work and smoking a lot, often on my own. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was doing, it was just what I did and what I’ve done for years. I was wasting at least £50 per week if not more on this habit that actually wasn’t a great deal of fun anymore, it was just the norm for me.

I began to wonder what would happen if after all these years, if I quit.

I started by cutting down and then I quit altogether. Now you may or may not know that physically, marijuana is not addictive. It is however mentally addictive and your body reacts badly to suddenly having low levels of THC (the drug itself) after years of consistently high THC levels. So when I quit I had trouble sleeping, I lost my appetite and dropped half a stone in weight, I found it difficult to get into the same creative focus I would always have in the evenings.

When I had a bit of money again and a good deal on some homegrown, I ended up caving and buying an ounce. Which for you non-smokers is usually around £200-250 and is enough to fill a large Yankee Candle jar (see at least I can put it into your terms!) but I only paid £160 for it. I split it with a friend so I wasn’t spending quite so much and in less than a fortnight it was gone again.

And so I began to think about it some more. I thought about why I was smoking so much in the first place. I realised that I just didn’t have any self control. As I said, there is quite literally nothing wrong with smoking weed as long as it doesn’t become habitual and I let it be habitual. I want to stop spending so much on it. I want to stop relying on it to keep me entertained and creative. I want to stop because I want to grow more as a person and I don’t think I can fully do that with a bad habit.

So right now, whilst I am writing this (which is April 27th FYI) I am back into the phase of sleepless nights and having no appetite and just generally trying to work out what to do with all my new found free time. I am also at a crossroads with this whole thing and just my life in general. I am really finding myself and redefining myself and just learning to be truly me.

[edit/ 12.05.2017] Late one night this week I had *yet another* epiphany about the differences between me as a (habitual) smoker and me without weed… I am almost a different person. I am much more often me on a good day. I am more concious, aware, more intentional. I am a more confident and unapologetically myself these days. I used to avoid events and social occasions because I was too shy and found myself wanting to go home and be alone more often than not. These days I’ve become a little bit of a social butterfly and I’m actively trying to do more new and exciting things.

Now I don’t know a single person in the blogging community to have ever even mentioned cannabis before so I’m curious to see if there are any other bloggers out there with a similar experience to me. Please leave a comment if you have!

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all photos by Rebecca Claire, libfemblog.com (Sony Xperia X, edited with VSCO) // all rights reserved

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20 Comments

  1. Yo! ME TOO! Feels strange even admitting to that in the comments section – so I have so much respect for you regarding this post. The stigma etc is completely unfounded but for some reason it still keeps me in the closet.
    Can’t say I’ll be voting lib dem this time round (on tactical grounds) but I was pleased to see this issue making it into their manifesto.
    H xx

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    1. I’m so glad to see another blogger say they smoke as well! Drugs are so not talked about in blogging and they have definitely been a big part of my life especially in uni and during difficult times in the past few years.
      Yeah I was glad to see that too but it’s all about Corbyn this year xx

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  2. This is a great post, and props to you for being honest. I like the idea of weed because of the good qualities you’ve mentioned but I’ve only tried it once. Mainly because I don’t like smoking (perhaps I should have made brownies). I was quite into a few other things for a while and I have thought about writing about it, because I only have positive things to say. I think you need to be able to know your limits and how it affects you personally and respond to that, which you clearly do. I don’t think anyone should judge. It would be a lot better if things were decriminalised and regulated better, bad stuff happens because of what stuff gets mixed with. More power to you for figuring it all out on your own terms.

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    1. You probably should have eaten it, my mum did last Christmas and she loved it. I’m glad I have finally realised that I just shouldn’t buy it at all because of my lack of self control. I’d be real interested to read about your experiences with other drugs but understandable if you don’t want to share on your blog xx

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  3. Great post! I also smoke quite often, but just a little bowl (or less) before bed a few times a week. It really helps with my anxiety and even instantly cured a migraine the other night! I’ll Canadian but I live in the UK, and many of my friends at home are actually on prescription for weed for their anxiety, and it’s in the process of being legalized. So I really don’t feel bad about it in the slightest, although I think there’s a bit more stigma attached in the UK!

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    1. I’m glad to hear it’s working well for you and that you have more self control than I do! It’s proof that the drug itself is not harmful in the slightest but like with anything it can be abused. Thanks for reading :) xx

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  4. I grew up around people smoking it (my brother, sister and friends), so I naturally tried it too. I didn’t like it the first time, but when I was a little older (around 21) I started to smoke it when I was diagnosed with GAD due to problems at work. I used it as an escape from everything.
    I only smoked it regularly for about 6 months or so and then one day I just stopped. I don’t know why, I just no longer felt the need to. To this day when I have a really hard day, I do think man I could do with a joint rn haha. But my other half doesn’t approve of it, so I respect his wishes and don’t. Also couldn’t afford it nor would I even know where to get it from!
    Glad to see some people opening up about it, when people think about weed they automatically think of someone who’s a criminal. When I smoked it, I still worked, still took care of things.
    Great post!

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    1. That’s great it helped you though! I think because it was so easily accessible for me I found it so difficult not to smoke all the time. Congrats on being a functioning stoner (even if it was only for a bit.) and thanks for reading :) xx

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  5. I’ve never smoked weed but I don’t judge anyone who does. Good for you for stopping, especially since you found that it was doing you more harm than good in the end. I must admit that it made me chuckle when you said that it meant you were never bored! But I think I would take a little boredom over anxiety and a light wallet any day!
    Hannah
    hannahinternational.co.uk

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  6. I don’t smoke weed, I really hate the smell of it but I don’t judge people who do at all. As you say, when it’s not an every day thing it can be really good to help you relax etc. I sometimes wonder if it would help with anxiety but I suppose when you use it for that it can become easy to rely on it.
    It’s so nice to see you using your blog to talk openly about this. I imagine there must be a lot of people who have experienced similar things to what you describe above but for various reasons don’t talk about it.
    V ❤
    http://sirvikalot.wordpress.com

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    1. Yeah it did help when I had anxiety but it meant that as soon as I wasn’t smoking it I was anxious again so it’s definitely a very temporary fix! I was dependent on it with my anxiety a while ago. x

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  7. I love how honest this post is! I have often wondered about weed with my chronic pain, but working in the NHS I couldn’t risk my job. It’s so refreshing to hear someone say that although weed in itself isn’t a problem, not everyone who smokes it doesn’t have a problem

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The best of luck with kicking the habit. I was interested to see that the Liberal Democrats will have in their manifesto a pledge to decriminalise the sale of weed, their belief being this will ensure people can be confident in the quality of the product they are purchasing, it’s safety etc. Kevin

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    1. Thank you Kevin! Today is 3 weeks since I stopped :)
      Even though I’ve quit I still think it could really benefit the economy, health care system and a lot of people. Shame really that it was the Lib Dems who went with that, Labour have my vote this year! x

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